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NFL mock draft ... with a twist! Here's what teams SHOULD do

The better part of my summer is spent helping people prepare for their fantasy drafts. And I'll be pretty honest: I'm sort of great at it. I mean, I did convince a bunch of people to take Mike Evans last year ... but that's not my fault! Blame Dirk Koetter!

Anyhow, since I'm so amazing at draft consulting on the fantasy level, it only makes sense I should help real NFL teams with their draft prep. So, I give to you, my draft consultation for all 32 franchises. Well, except for the Chiefs, Texans and Rams -- they don't have first-round picks. But don't worry: Those guys are good without me. Well, the Rams are. Call me, Chiefs.

Let's be smart here. Browns, you need a quarterback. A statement that has been true since the days of Bernie Kosar. Take Darnold and redshirt him for a year, with Tyrod Taylor as your starter. I mean, you'll start him when you go 1-4 (not Tyrod's fault) and Hue Jackson is trying to save his job. He won't. But your next coach (in the Sean McVay/Kyle Shanahan/Matt Nagy mold) will at least have something to work with.

I won't be mad at you for going quarterback. Or even Saquon Barkley. But that team subletting a room from your house -- I know, it's a partnership, but it doesn't seem that way -- needs a quarterback. Make them move up from three to two to get their guy. We call this move the Trubisky. Then draft the best O-lineman in the draft. I know, I know ... Barkley, fool! But if you have Nate Solder and Nelson up front, then you can grab a running back in the second. A guy like Ronald Jones II. You'll be happier.

Don't let the Giants sucker you into moving up one spot. You'll get a good quarterback no matter what. They are trying to bluff you. The Giants are so disrespectful to you. I heard them telling people that you were their tenant in the Meadowlands. Can you believe that? You're partners! Don't let them pull a fast one over on you. Stay put and take your quarterback, Josh Rosen. He's this generation's Jay Cutler. (Hey, I LOVED Jay Cutler, so back off.)

Barkley seems to make a lot of sense here. But here's something crazy you might want to consider: being insanely good on defense. Because defense wins championships. I mean, it didn't in the last two Super Bowls. But there was a time, not too long ago, when defense actually mattered. You put Chubb with Myles Garrett and you might just be competitive this season. Or at least you will be when Nick Saban is coaching your team next year.

Quarterback makes sense. I know -- you signed Case Keenum. That's like going out for a steak dinner, but your friend convinces you to share a small plate of bacon-wrapped dates instead. Delicious, but you're still going to be hungry. I would go with Barkley here. Not because I love those moments where Charles Davis and Daniel Jeremiah go bananas over a swerve pick. But this would be reminiscent of the Rams going for Todd Gurley back in 2015. And guess who that team's quarterback was in 2015!! Oh, actually, it was primarily Nick Foles. Damn, this was almost perfect. But Keenum started five games for the Rams that season. So it kind of fits.

PROJECTED TRADE WITH COLTS. At the moment, the Colts hold this No. 6 pick. Andrew Luck still hasn't picked up a football, which seems less than ideal. But don't take a quarterback. And if Nelson, Chubb and Barkley are gone -- as they are in this exercise -- my advice would be to avoid going on tilt. Even though I would be freaking the freak out right now. But be cool. The Bills would love to trade up with you and take a quarterback. You need a lot of help, so you take Buffalo's two first-rounders (Nos. 12 and 22) and let Brandon Beane ...

... take Josh Allen. Not that you deserve him, Bills, after what you did to Tyrod! But Allen has the big arm. He's mobile. And I know you don't want to get into the trap of drafting the next Carson Wentz, but you really have no choice.

Call the Dolphins and Cardinals to see if they want to deal for a quarterback. You know what, don't be afraid to call the Jaguars, either. It's doubtful, but do your due diligence. Unfortunately, at this point, your draft pick is like a ticket to Lollapalooza: Anybody interested already has their ticket, and you're probably just going to have to eat it. You'd like a running back, and Barkley would have been great, but that's a no-go. Take Derwin James. Just whatever you do, don't take Tremaine Edmunds. Just don't.

You take Edmunds. It's really the missing piece. Dang, though. While sweeping the AFC North was a lot of fun last year, had you not done that, you would have had a top-three pick. And seeing how your QB of the future is already in place, you could've loaded up on draft currency by trading down. Let's not even think about that, though. Edmunds gives you your own version of Anthony Barr. Yep, I went there. (And I should be given credit for not being all, The Bears trade Jordan Howard and No. 8 to the Broncos to take Barkley. You're welcome.)

Just ask Jimmy Garoppolo what he thinks and then do that. I mean, has that guy steered you wrong at all? You're set offensively, so go with a cornerback like Ward. But don't do the Joe Montana-Ronnie Lott comparisons. At least not yet.

I really want to make a joke here about 1998, and how the Raiders would just draft the fastest receiver on the board. Or take a fullback. But that's a weak joke, and I'm not going to make it. Mostly because my editor talked me out of it. But if you follow the model of '98, when Charles Woodson was drafted, the Raiders could go for Roquan Smith -- a high school wideout with speed to get to the quarterback.

All right, guys, you need a quarterback. Take your quarterback here. Oh, no -- not *that* guy. No, you want Lamar Jackson. I mean, only if you want this year's version of Deshaun Watson and you want to be all fun and make the playoffs and stuff. If not, go with that guy. But trust me: You go Lamar Jackson here. You know, the guy who passed for 9,000 yards in college -- and also had more rushing yards than Barkley.

PROJECTED TRADE WITH BILLS. All right, Indy, now it's time to make some picks! You need to do something flashy, because your fan base is probably a bit miffed right now with your quarterback situation. Grab Calvin Ridley. It's not a flash pick for the sake of a flash pick. He's a great player who will pair nicely with T.Y. Hilton. And if Andrew Luck throws a football again, even better.

I would like to imagine the Redskins' draft board is really just a white board with the name Calvin Ridley written on it. And after the Colts take him, you have a cutaway to the Redskins brass freaking out like that scene in "Boiler Room" where all the fake stock brokers are going loco. But don't despair -- you still have other issues. Grab Vea to improve that woeful run defense.

You guys should just totally not draft. You're good. Just take the weekend off. Fine. You'll probably use this pick. And I know a corner would be appetizing. But you did that last year. Honestly -- and this is coming from a Bears fan -- you could use an upgrade at receiver. So take Moore, and he will be torching the Bears in no time. Damn it, I hate my job sometimes.

You could go Baker Mayfield here. But what, you going to also make a move for Landry Jones and just have a Sooner quarterback stable? Brian Bosworth and Barry Switzer as honorary captains? Jim Ross as the new play-by-play voice? Stop it, you. Stick with Sam Bradford. Go with defense. Jackson is a great pick, and having viable corners is going to be paramount in this division.

You probably want to go receiver, but I'm afraid I'm going to have an intervention for you. Kind of like the gang from MacLaren's would have in Ted and Marshall's apartment. You don't do great with receivers. And Joe Flacco doesn't throw to them anyway. He does like his tight ends, though. You go with that athletic freak from Penn State. And really, if you can get any team to trade up here, you do that.

The Chargers have a lot of needs on the O-line and in the interior defense. But if Mayfield is going to just fall to you, then you have to make that pick. And think of this: Mayfield wore that "Karate Kid"-like headband to his pro day. In the movie the Karate Kid, Daniel, is a fan of the Chargers. I mean, you have to do it, right?

Dude, what happened here? The Legion of Boom used to front one of the most dominant defenses in the NFL. But now you've gone from rivals of the Justice League to the type of slapstick villains the Scooby-Doo gang would apprehend. When you pull away the mask of the current cornerback and it's really just been the janitor all along! Take Fitzpatrick and try to regain some of swagger the Rams stole from you.

I love you the most when you make smart football moves. I was at Radio City Music Hall when everyone implored the Cowboys to take Johnny Manziel. Seriously, the roof was about to come off the place in anticipation. But they made the right football move and drafted Zack Martin. Calmer heads need to prevail again -- avoid the receiver and instead go with a lineman. Grab Hernandez.

How is it possible you guys haven't had a good running back since Barry Sanders? And as much as I love the fact that you have Matthew Stafford throw more balls than Clayton Kershaw throws pitches in a given year (Did you know they are lifelong friends???), run the ball once in a while. You take Guice. I'm not telling you that he's this year's Leonard Fournette. I'm also not not telling you that.

I don't know, guys. Do you even want to be here today? Because I'm trying to figure out what you are trying to do. But you can never go wrong with rebuilding the offensive line. Price should be pretty good for you. I know, T.J. Johnson is serviceable, but you can move him around. And this isn't just a pick-the-best-Ohio-State-guy type of thing. But it doesn't hurt.

PROJECTED TRADE WITH BILLS. Oh, you're back again. We made a big move for you earlier in the draft when you selected Ridley. And I know you probably don't want to just add two guys from a national championship team, but that's what we're going to do right here with Payne. He owns a pretty lofty spot on Daniel Jeremiah's big board and now you've solved two huge needs. Send Saban a thank-you card.

You want to trade this pick. You want to go defense if you keep it. And you've never quite hit on a wide receiver in the first round. I get that. But you're going to want to go with Sutton here. He's a younger version of Kenny Britt, and I feel like he would have been a bigger star in college with a better quarterback. Thankfully, that shouldn't be a problem in New England.

You guys also need to go with a receiver. It's a shame so many of them have come off the board already, but you're in luck because Kirk is there for you. And to be honest, with Devin Funchess and Torrey Smith, you can slide the rook into the slot. I'm by no means writing off my guy Curtis Samuel, but at this point of Cam's career, you need to surround the QB with as many weapons as possible.

Oh shoot, I was actually going to suggest you go with Kirk, but I had to set up the Panthers. Besides, you can grab DJ Chark later. Here, I would want you to draft Landry. You've done a great job of improving the offense in recent years, so add another defensive stud. Because pass rushers are like donuts, in that you can't have too many. I mean, it gets excessive at some point, but here, one more isn't going to be to your detriment.

The one thing I would recommend is a couples counselor for Matt Ryan and Julio Jones, because there is no way Julio should have fewer than 15 touchdowns ever. EVER! But hey, the roster is loaded with talent, so I would recommend you take a chance on Taven Bryan. Not the complete package yet, but a high-upside guy who fits best in spots like this.

I know you wanted to move up in the draft for a quarterback, but that's cool. Maybe the Chargers will cut loose another Hall of Fame quarterback in the future and you can fill that need then. For now, I would keep pace with the Falcons and add another defensive piece in Davenport. Move Sheldon Rankins to defensive tackle and now you're cooking with gas.

I can't believe I have to sit here and tell you guys not to draft Mason Rudolph. Have you seen Big XII teams play defense? Trick question. No Big XII team has played defense in the last decade. So, you need to do the things you normally do. Go after a highly productive college player who is going to start for you over the next 10 years. That pick is Leighton Vander Esch. Might seem like a reach, but he'll be in the Pro Bowl by his third season.

Ah, man -- I would have totally had you guys take Lamar Jackson, but there was no way he was going to last to this spot. If not the Dolphins, I would have had the Cardinals or Chargers take him. Hey, I'm not the one who went out and advanced to the AFC Championship Game and should have been in the Super Bowl if Myles Jack ... ah, I'm getting off track. You guys are there. It might be worth the risk to go for Mike Hughes, whom I expect to fall. But your best bet would be to grab McGlinchey to continue to build that offensive line.

You spent a lot of money on Kirk Cousins. Now you need to protect him, like getting that extended warranty. Sure, you don't want to pay the extra money, but you sure do like the coverage if you need it. So you take a lineman to replace the retired Joe Berger. Snatch up Wynn right here. And honestly, if you want to make sure you're protected, don't be afraid to take another lineman in the second round. A third might be excessive, but I'm not going to stop you.

PROJECTED TRADE WITH PATRIOTS. Fine, Pats, you can trade this pick. I might take a gamble on Hughes here, but I feel you, Mr. Belichick. You have to (wait for it) do your job. Flip this pick to Tampa Bay and ...

... Hey, Bucs -- it's probably a good idea to jump back into this spot to grab the running back of your choosing. I'm going to suggest you go with Michel. I would have said Ronald Jones II, but Dirk Koetter made a face. Which is fine, if you don't want the next Jamaal Charles. Michel is also going to be an excellent player.

You need to feel pretty good when your biggest need is to replace the backup tight end who just signed with the Bears. All right, you could probably go offensive line, but it would be so much more fun to take Hurst. And good news: He played baseball, so he's probably able to throw the ball.

Follow Adam Rank on Twitter @AdamRank.

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